Postpartum

The postpartum period is an interesting roller coaster ride.  You can be happy one minute and a raving lunatic the next.  I will swear up and down that I am very good when I am pregnant, but I don't know if I can say the same thing about the postpartum period.  I have vague memories of telling my husband to pack a suitcase, as well as a slight recollection of throwing plates.  I hope you won't hold any of that against me.  Please tell me that you also became hormonal messes who did things totally out of character when you were postpartum.

The postpartum period on top of grieving is another thing.  Your hormones are going crazy causing hot flashes and sweating one moment and chills the next.  Your milk comes in and there isn't a baby waiting to be fed.  It's bad enough that you cry at the drop of a hat, but you can't stop crying because you are dealing with the reality of your new title - bereaved parent.

I have a confession to make..  To this day, I do not watch anything on USA Network, which, unfortunately, happens to be my husband's favorite.  We used to watch Burn Notice, Psych, and Royal Pains every week - every week when I was pregnant with Bennett.  For some reason, I associate USA Network and those shows with losing Bennett.  Back in 2010, the new seasons were going to be premiering in June when Bennett was due.  I figured Pierre and I would be curled up on the couch, baby on my chest, watching these shows while I nursed.  Royal Pains was about two brothers - one named Evan.  Every time we watched that show I imagined my two boys, as adults, working together, and being best friends.  When I lost Bennett, I couldn't watch that show again.  At first, I would get vehemently angry with my husband when he watched these shows.  How could he watch a show about two brothers when Evan's brother was dead?  One of the other shows on USA featured an actress (who shall not be named, since I've never been fond of her) who was pregnant at the same time as me and had her baby right around my due date.  Every time I looked at her, I would lose it.  Wouldn't you know that this was my husband's new favorite show.  I couldn't watch anything that had the little USA logo on the right hand corner of the screen.  Just seeing it brought me right back to losing my son.  I still don't enjoy any of those shows, but they don't bring about the same reaction anymore.

Yes, looking back at it now I know I sounded a little bit crazy.  I take that back, I was a lot crazy and totally irrational.  I am very lucky to have a very understanding husband, who deserves to watch whatever he wants on TV tonight.