Remembering

Bennett was born sleeping February 13, 2010.

I found out I was expecting baby number eight in October 2009. I felt, from the beginning, that it was a boy. The morning sickness was like I've never experienced before. I was put on Zofran, because I had ripped my esophagus and needed to let it heal. I was still experiencing morning sickness up until the day of Bennett's birth.

There was a small scare with bleeding at 10 weeks, but I had an ultrasound and saw his beautiful heart beating. I had a Level 2 ultrasound a few days before I went into labor, because my Triple Screen showed an increased chance of Down Syndrome.  The ultrasound lowered my risk and revealed that my suspicions were right.  I was having a boy.

On the morning of February 12th, I had a couple of Braxton Hicks contractions. I drank some water and rested on the couch, and I was feeling better. At dinner time, I had one or two more contractions, so I took a long shower, ate a little dinner and snuggled on the couch with my husband. I felt all better at this point and figured I was probably just catching the stomach virus a few of the kids had and that I should probably up my water intake. I woke up at 2am in a considerable amount of pain.  I called my OB and headed to Labor and Delivery. On the way to the hospital I went into labor.  I have never gone into labor on my own without the help of Pitocin. I went from having no contractions to having a contraction every 90 seconds or so. By the time I arrived at the hospital I knew this was it. The triage nurse tried for a few seconds to find a heartbeat, but gave up as I started hemorrhaging.  Within seconds, he was here.

The nurses and doctor quickly cleaned him off and got him ready for me. They brought him to me wrapped in a miniature blue quilt with the tiniest blue knit hat on his head. He was absolutely perfect, all 11 ounces of him.  He looked just like Evan. I held him for 6 hours, constantly kissing him, smelling him, memorizing him. I took countless pictures, not that I could ever forget his face.  Thank goodness I grabbed my camera as we raced out the door.  It was almost as if I knew.

We named him Bennett, which means blessed little one.  The name Bennett had been on my mind constantly since early Friday morning. I loved the meaning and was going to bring it up to my husband later that evening.

I didn't want to give Bennett back, but I knew I had no choice. I needed to get home to take care of and comfort my sweet children who were waiting for me.

We called the funeral home and made the arrangements. When I woke up Friday morning, I didn't think that 24 hours later I would be planning to bury my baby boy. I didn't want to hear about caskets and obituaries.  I wanted to buy a carseat and a new crib set.

A few months later we were blessed again with a new pregnancy.

Elijah was born sleeping October 19, 2010.

I was closely monitored with this pregnancy.  I needed a cerclage at 21 weeks.   I took weekly progesterone injections and was on modified.bed rest.

I started feeling a little ill on the evening of October 18th, and figured I caught something from the kids.  I woke up very ill, we called Labor and Delivery and raced to the hospital.

On the ride to the hospital, I was convinced I was dying - hemorrhaging - internally bleeding.  I knew something was wrong. My husband kept telling me that I was not bleeding and to just keep taking deep breaths. I was so afraid that I would die before we got to the hospital.

The nurse put a monitor on me and found the baby's heart 162.  She put the pulse ox monitor on my index finger and saw my heart rate was 162 as well.

They rushed me down the hall, into the room I delivered Bennett.  Another doctor came in and did an ultrasound. My doctor came over and took my hand and said "I'm sorry, but your baby does not have a heartbeat."

Shortly after, I was in full labor. My obstetrician took out my cerclage and three pushes later Elijah was born. He was absolutely perfect in every way. He probably died earlier Monday, before I even felt ill.  He had such big hands and feet. He weighed 1 pound 8.6 ounces.  Elijah was a perfect sleeping baby with beautiful red peach fuzz on his head.

After delivery, my temperature went up to 103.5. My heart was racing. My respiration was high. My blood pressure was 50/30. I held my baby as ICU came in to get me. We were able to get a few pictures. The nurse arranged for me to have him in ICU once I was all set up and she took Elijah to weigh and measure him, get footprints. She even kept the camera to take pictures for me. Elijah was brought to me in the ICU dressed in a white gown wrapped in a blue blanket, and I kept him with me for a while.

A few months later, we were blessed again with another pregnancy.

On July 21, 2011, I gave birth to my Linus, a micro-preemie born at 24 weeks.  Each and every day he continues to amaze us.

Each day, I remember my babies.